I’m not talking about the existential feeling, I’m talking about the excellent Web site that sells demotivational products.

I’ve always been a very strong proponent of the idea that business communications need to be more conversational than corporate, but Despair.com takes it to a whole new level. I recently ordered a coffee mug and a couple of shirts from them.  Here’s the confirmation email I received:

Thank you for your recent order from Despair, Inc.

I’d like to personally welcome you to our growing body of Dissatisfied Customers(tm), but to do so might evidence some actual concern for service and protocol.  This might then lead to customer satisfaction, which would defeat the purpose altogether. That is why you have received this generic, form-generated email, written by some nameless lackey in our marketing department.

Having established that any pretense of consideration for *your* needs would be counter-productive to our raison d’etre at Despair Inc, let us now ponder a subject of greater interest to those among us who are worthy of both of our collective attentions – that person being me.

While you sit there wincing in disbelief at these bons mots of authentic insincerity and vexed by the intrinsic contradictions, I find I am beside myself with awe at the specimen of unparalleled angst that is the Despair, Inc. Blog.

http://blog.despair.com

Hardly a man given to superlatives, I must nevertheless assert with David-Lee-Rothian boldness that we are demonstrably without peer in the Relentless Pursuit of Dejection. Do not the weekly whinings of this anonymous Peon is in the Marketing Department inspire YOU to new lows?

“But I’m unstable enough as it is – why would I want to read the grousings of some other malcontent who is unhappy with his job?”, you might ask.

Because that very malcontent is also providing attentive Despair customers with rare, super-steep discounts, exclusive products, and occasionally an amusing slice of behind-the-scenes life at Despair. (Or so I’m told – I can’t be bothered to read that junk…)

At long last, after this lengthy exploitation of your attention for purely selfish marketing purposes, let us move on to yet another advertisement for our company.

In anticipation of your next question- “How can I subject myself to even further marketing attempts by Despair?” Well, you’re in luck! Because Despair offers several additional opportunities to be on the receiving end of a steady stream of angst wrapped inside advertisements and covered in coupons.  Those willing to endure the agony of it all will find themselves rewarded often with savings and freebies beyond belief.

The Wailing List – (The Official Email Newsletter of Despair)
http://www.despair.com/subscribe1.html

The Wailing List Twitter Feed (An Unofficial Experiment by a Marketing Peon in the Limits of Your Endurance- with an occasional coupon code thrown in…)
http://twitter.com/wailinglist

Alas –  if you find that even daily contact from the forces of Despair Marketing personnel is simply not enough to satisfy your needs, well… Seriously?  You might need a hobby…  The only people subjected to more frequent abuse at our hands are our employees – and take it from us, there is such a thing as too much of a bad thing…

If any of the information shown below is inaccurate, please notify us immediately using our Troubled Ticketing system.

http://www.despair.com/trti.html

We will rectify your error immediately, and on some occasions, without snickering.

It is the least we can do, which, as a matter of policy, is the most we can do.

Sincerely not really writing you this email,
E.L.

E.L.Kersten, Ph.D.
Founder & COO,
Despair, Inc.

Brilliant. But wait, there’s more. Check out the email I received once my order was shipped:

Since you’ve received this email, it means that your credit card information proved valid and that your order has been sent. You might assume now that we have your money that you’re in for better treatment. You might also assume that if you try really hard, you will succeed. But your assumptions would, in both cases, be completely wrong. And that is why you REALLY need our products.

Regardless of those sad facts, we have some good news for you. The Demotivators(R) Greatest Hits Notecard Pack is currently available for purchase at a 20% discount through the end of the year. That’s almost a significant enough discount to constitute something slightly less than not quite highway robbery…   Why not take the chance to prove to your friends, relatives and coworkers that you cared enough to send the very worst – or that you didn’t care at all – by dropping them a card!

http://www.despair.com/sampler-packs.html

You’ll be sorry you did, but nowhere near as sorry as they will be.

As always, if you have questions, please fill out a troubled ticket on the web at:

http://www.despair.com/trti.html

We’ll do our best to solve the problem, since, you know,
we already have your money.

Automatically yours,
E.L.
E.L.Kersten, Ph.D.
Founder & COO,
Despair, Inc.

Again, brilliant.

Takeaway for marketers: Two, actually: (1) Assume for a moment you were writing or reviewing autoresponder emails for Despair. Would you be as willing to go as far as they do? If not, why not? (2) Are your communications to your customers conversational or corporate? Which do you think your customers would prefer? Which do you think will engage them more?

This entry was posted on Saturday, February 13th, 2010 at 6:00 am and is filed under Marketing Stuff, Marketing Takeaways.